The Zoo Author: Kyle Chittick Date: 06.10.2008 I don't know why they all like the zoo. It smells like shit everywhere and is filled with nothing but caged beggars hounding every willing gawker for a few scraps of food. Bears, lions, cougars, wolves, and other predators strut about, along with the so-called domesticated animals such as horses, pigs, dogs, sheep, and house cats. African emissaries are present also: elephants, hippopotamuses, gazelles, rhinos, and of course, some giraffes. Two proud lions (are there really any other kind?) strut by. One lashes out viciously at the bars of the cage. From a safe distance, mind you, I spit at her caustically and mock, "Missed me again, didn't you!" An older, but still pinkish, scar on my left arm twitches involuntarily. Let's not forget our feathered friends either. Eagles, doves, condors, pigeons, and many other flying species take an aerial view; while ostriches, chickens, and turkeys patrol the littered ground. A raccoon scurries along, dragging a half-full bag of slightly old popcorn. "Here, buddy," I coax to no avail. The best I get is a sideways glance of disinterest. I may have heard a chuckle, but I'm willing to concede that goes against sanity. A row full of cock-necked crows settles nearby, like a private awning for the roof gutter, and heckles me incessantly. A family of spider monkeys hop madly, like... well, like monkeys. A young one edges too close in my direction and is strongly scolded by a parent, earning a deliberate tail yank. "Ooh ooh," I say at a gorilla. He never understands me... and they're supposed to be just a few chromosomes separate from us? I smirk at my own joke, sigh and then frown. As I watch the spectacle of earth's creatures meander, I am reminded of Seinfeld's bit of wisdom, "Why don't dogs have any money... No pockets." "Good for nothing freeloaders," I shout at everyone and no one. Wild eyed, I glare around, eventually settling for contemplating a long toenail on my left foot. Even I can't help but be temporarily awed as a majestic Polar Bear saunters effortlessly by, a true harmonious permutation of power and grace. Yes sir, the zoo is full today. It certainly would be a wonderful sight if I wasn't so damn hungry. I stare with disgust at the sign outside my cage which reads, "Don't feed the HUMAN." ------------------- I started this story back in 1983 in High School. Recently I dusted it off and re-wrote 95% of it. So, here's the re-write.