I don't know why they all like the zoo. It smells like shit
everywhere and is filled with nothing but caged beggars hounding
every willing gawker for a few scraps of food.
Bears, lions, cougars, wolves, and other predators strut about,
along with the so-called domesticated animals such as horses,
pigs, dogs, sheep, and house cats.
African emissaries are present also: elephants, hippopotamuses,
gazelles, rhinos, and of course, some giraffes. Two proud lions
(are there really any other kind?) strut by. One lashes out
viciously at the bars of the cage. From a safe distance, mind
you, I spit at her caustically and mock, "Missed me again,
didn't you!" An older, but still pinkish, scar on my left
arm twitches involuntarily.
Let's not forget our feathered friends either. Eagles, doves,
condors, pigeons, and many other flying species take an aerial
view; while ostriches, chickens, and turkeys patrol the littered
A raccoon scurries along, dragging a half-full bag of slightly
"Here, buddy," I coax to no avail. The best I get
is a sideways glance of disinterest. I may have heard a chuckle,
but I'm willing to concede that goes against sanity.
A row full of cock-necked crows settles nearby, like a private
awning for the roof gutter, and heckles me incessantly. A family
of spider monkeys hop madly, like... well, like monkeys. A young
one edges too close in my direction and is strongly scolded
by a parent, earning a deliberate tail yank.
"Ooh ooh," I say at a gorilla. He never understands
me... and they're supposed to be just a few chromosomes separate
from us? I smirk at my own joke, sigh and then frown.
As I watch the spectacle of earth's creatures meander, I am
reminded of Seinfeld's bit of wisdom, "Why don't dogs have
any money... No pockets."
"Good for nothing freeloaders," I shout at everyone
and no one. Wild eyed, I glare around, eventually settling for
contemplating a long toenail on my left foot.
Even I can't help but be temporarily awed as a majestic Polar
Bear saunters effortlessly by, a true harmonious permutation
of power and grace.
Yes sir, the zoo is full today.
It certainly would be a wonderful sight if I wasn't so damn
I stare with disgust at the sign outside my cage which reads,
"Don't feed the HUMAN."
I started this story back in 1983 in High School. Recently
I dusted it off and re-wrote 95% of it. So, here's the re-write.